Why You Keep Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Partners (And How to Stop)

If you’ve ever asked yourself:

• “Why do I always end up with people who can’t fully show up?”

• “Why does it feel like I care more than they do?”

• “Why do I keep getting pulled into push–pull relationships?”

You’re not unlucky.

You’re not choosing “wrong” on purpose.

You’re experiencing a very common anxious attachment pattern.

Familiar Feels Safer Than Healthy

Your nervous system doesn’t choose partners based on what’s healthiest — it chooses based on what’s familiar.

If you grew up with:

• emotional inconsistency

• unpredictability

• caregivers who were loving but unavailable

• affection that had to be earned

• love mixed with anxiety

Then emotional unavailability feels normal.

Even if it hurts.

Even if it exhausts you.

Even if it keeps breaking your heart.

The Push–Pull Dynamic Explained

One of the most common dynamics is anxious attachment paired with avoidant attachment.

Here’s how it often plays out:

• You crave closeness to feel safe

• They crave space to feel safe

• You pursue connection

• They pull away

• Your anxiety increases

• Their withdrawal increases

Both people feel unsafe — just in opposite ways.

This isn’t about someone being “bad.”
It’s about two nervous systems trying to self-regulate.

Why Intensity Gets Confused With Chemistry

Anxious attachment often mistakes intensity for intimacy.

The highs feel intoxicating.
The lows feel devastating.
The uncertainty keeps you hooked.

But intensity is not security.

Security feels calm.
Steady.
Predictable.
Safe.

And for someone used to chaos, safety can initially feel boring or unfamiliar.

How to Stop Repeating the Pattern

Breaking this cycle doesn’t start with finding the “right” partner.

It starts with becoming secure from within.

When you build internal security:

• emotionally unavailable people feel less attractive

• inconsistency becomes a red flag instead of a challenge

• you stop chasing clarity

• you trust your instincts

• you choose partners who choose you

This is the foundation of the work inside Healing Anxious Attachment.

Because the more secure you become, the more secure your relationships become.